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The holiday season is often described as the most wonderful time of the year—but it might not feel that way for you. The spooky season is over, and holiday music blasts through your home as you light your pine-scented candles. You’re preparing your Thanksgiving shopping list and already thinking about Christmas gifts. For most, the holidays are festive, fun, and exciting. But for others—especially singles—it may not be as joyous.
Let me paint the picture for you. You head over to your grandmother’s house to enjoy a warm plate of home-cooked food. As you’re making your plate, your cousin—whom you haven’t seen in years—stops and asks the infamous question: “Where’s your spouse?” or “When are you going to settle down?” or “What happened to so-and-so?” You brace yourself to answer this unprocessed question. It’s not new to you because you’ve been asking yourself the same thing. But now it’s no longer a question you’re processing alone. You’re expected to share an answer, and maybe, for the first time, you have a clear one.
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In that moment, you find yourself navigating a whirlwind of emotions: “Why am I still single?” Maybe you just broke up with someone, and the person you expected to spend the holidays with isn’t around anymore, leaving you grieving. Or perhaps you’ve had to prepare yourself to face Thanksgiving alone again. Wherever you find yourself in this scenario, I want to offer guidance on how to approach the season when bombarded with questions about your relationship status.
It’s important to understand that not everyone asking this question has bad intentions. Some may be curious, some just nosy, and others may be trying to remind you of your singleness—whether intentionally or not. Whatever the reason, I don’t believe it’s necessary to understand everyone’s motives. What matters more is preparing yourself to respond.
Another reason you may be asked this question is the societal pressure many singles face to be married by a certain age. These expectations often ignore the personal struggles we might be navigating or, for believers, the more profound journey of seeking God’s will for our lives.
What matters is how the question makes you feel. I’ve been in situations where I needed to explain why I was still single, even though I didn’t have the answer myself. The question only highlighted my insecurity about my relationship status then, so I understand how this question can stir up various emotions.
There are different ways to safeguard your emotions before walking into situations where you might face these questions. One option is to deflect by changing the subject to something more neutral, like why someone put raisins in the salad. Another approach is offering a lighthearted yet honest response, explaining what your journey has been like. Or, you can respond confidently, saying something like, “I’m waiting patiently,” or “I’m focusing on my mental health and spiritual growth right now.”
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Over the years, I’ve learned that the real power comes from knowing I don’t have to respond. I don’t have to provide an answer, and it’s okay not to have one. I’ve also learned the power of setting clear boundaries around these conversations. Sometimes the question is out of curiosity, and answering may satisfy that curiosity—but you have the right to protect your peace. If someone truly cares about you, they’ll respect your boundaries, and if they’re concerned, they’ll pray for you.
For the past decade, I’ve been speaking about this journey of singleness, and the heart of my message is always this: your relationship status doesn’t define you. You can find peace and contentment in your singleness. It may be a journey to get there, but I can tell you it’s attainable as someone who’s been on that path for a while.
Sade Solomon is a NYC-based social media personality and multi-hyphenate creator who boldly and fashionably ignites authentic and candid conversations on topics surrounding intercourse, singleness, and abstinence. After embarking on her journey of abstinence in 2013, Sade began openly sharing her life-changing commitment on various online platforms while enlightening and inspiring many through her journey. In her book, Ready, Set, Wait, Sade peels back the layers of truth about navigating singleness and abstinence as a single Christian woman. Her work and commentary have been featured by Good Morning America, Harper’s Bazaar, Essence, Black Love, and XO Necole.
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